In the course of my work as an arbitrator and through my journey in da‘wah, I often sit with people who genuinely fear Allah, who want what is right, yet find themselves in the middle of marital strain. These are not careless individuals. Many are sincere, practising, and trying their best. Yet something has gone wrong.

Sometimes the issue lies with the husband. Sometimes with the wife. And sometimes it is shared between both. Words are said that cannot be taken back. Expectations are left unspoken. Small matters grow into heavy burdens. And a relationship that began with hope begins to feel like a test without relief.

There is a reality we must accept with maturity and sincerity. Not every marriage is meant to last. But even when a marriage is not meant to continue, nobility must prevail. Character must remain. Dignity must not be abandoned. Because as believers, we are not defined only by how we begin relationships but by how we conduct ourselves within them and even how we end them.

And this is where one of the most powerful narrations in our tradition offers us a bridge between reality and guidance.

We are introduced to a couple who, by all outward description, were remarkable. There was care. There was honour. There was upliftment. And yet, despite all of that, the marriage did not continue. It was not meant to be. But what is striking is not simply their story; rather, it is how the wife chose to speak about her husband after the separation.

Let us listen to her words.

 "زوجي أبو زرع، فما أبو زرع؟ أناس من حلي أذني، وملأ من شحم عضدي، وبجحني فبجحت إلي نفسي، وجدني في أهل غنيمة بشق فجعلني في أهل صهيل وأطيط، ودائس ومنق، فعنده أقول فلا أقبح، وأرقد فأتصفح، وأشرب فأتقنح"

In simple terms, she is saying:

“My husband is Abu Zar', and what can truly convey to you who Abu Zar' is?

He adorned my ears with jewellery and filled my arms with flesh. He elevated me, and so I felt elevated within myself.

He found me among a humble people with little and brought me into a household of horses and camels, of harvest and refinement.

With him, when I speak, I am not put down. I sleep and rise at ease, and I drink until I am fully satisfied.”

Now, let us pause and reflect on what she is actually describing.

She is not just listing comforts but rather describing how he made her feel.

He invested in her, not only materially but emotionally. He built her confidence. He gave her a sense of dignity. He did not belittle her. He did not silence her. He created a space where she could speak without fear, live without constant pressure, and feel honoured as a person.

This is a level of care that goes beyond obligation. It is Ihsan (excellence).

And yet, despite all of this, the marriage came to an end...

But notice what did not end. Her honesty... Her fairness... Her dignity...And her 'awe' of Abu Zar'.

She did not erase the good because the ending was painful. She did not allow hurt to distort reality; rather, she spoke with balance and acknowledged the خير she experienced.

This is where the lesson becomes deeply relevant to our times...

Today, when marriages break down, we often see the opposite. Years of good are forgotten, and faults are magnified. Private matters are exposed, and words are used not to preserve dignity, but to destroy it.

But here we have a woman who teaches us that even if a relationship ends, your character should not end with it.

From her words, there are powerful lessons for both husbands and wives.

For husbands, the message is clear. Your role is not limited to providing financially. It is to uplift your wife, to strengthen her sense of self, to speak in a way that builds rather than breaks, and to create a home where she feels safe, heard, and respected.

For wives, there is a lesson in recognising good and giving it its due. A marriage cannot thrive if effort goes unseen. Appreciation nurtures relationships and allows goodness to continue and grow.

And for both, there is a greater principle: Even when things do not work out, even when separation happens, you are still bound by your responsibility to Allah. Your words, your conduct, and your integrity all remain under His watch.

This brings us to the statement of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ:

خيركم لأهله وأنا خيركم لأهله

The best of you are those who are best to their families, and I am the best of you to my family.

This statement is not limited to times of ease. It is a standard that applies in all circumstances. It calls us to excellence when we are pleased and even when we are hurt. It calls us to fairness when it is easy and especially when it is difficult.

And this is why the conversation must go beyond our current marriages. We must raise sons and daughters who understand these values, know how to communicate with respect, exercise patience, and take responsibility. Those who enter marriage not only think about what they will receive but also what they will give.

Because the marriages we nurture today are the building blocks of the ummah tomorrow.

If our homes are filled with dignity, mercy, and emotional intelligence, our communities will reflect that. But if our homes are fractured, driven by ego and poor character, then the effects will spread far beyond the individuals involved.

So this is a sincere call to husbands and wives. To parents. To those preparing for marriage...

Strive for nobility. Strive for balance. Strive to preserve dignity, even in hardship.

Because sometimes marriages are not meant to be, but character always is, and through that character, homes are strengthened, generations are nurtured, and the ummah is built.

Your brother
Sajid Umar
Location: 'somewhere en route to the hereafter'
04/11/1447 (AH) - 21/04/2026